My Aunt. Chapter 23

I remained seated whilst Aunt Helen went to the desk and poured tea. She brought me one cup and placed it on the small table beside the chair then returned and brought me a plate with some butter and jam and a silver knife along with a rack of half slices of toast which she also placed on the table. I waited whilst she then went to get her own tea and returned to her chair. I put butter on a half slice and raised it to my lips. It was then that I realised I was not particularly hungry and after taking just one small bite, placed the slice back on my plate and returned it to the table, taking up instead the pretty cup and saucer. I held it to my chest and stared out of the window. After a while I noticed that Aunt Helen was also holding her saucer in the same way except that she was not staring out of the window but at me. “Oh!” I said, “I am sorry, did you say something?” She smiled. “No, my dear, I did not. I was just watching you, thinking.” I frowned. “Thinking? Thinking about what?” “Nothing especially,” she replied. “I was just thinking what you have been through in the last few weeks and how wonderfully well you have conducted yourself.” She waited for a moment. I did not reply right away. I was lost for words. This was so unexpected. She continued, “You know, Victoria, you remind me of someone.” “I do?” I replied, “Who?” “It doesn't matter,” she answered and took a sip from her tea cup. “Are you not hungry?” she added. I sighed. “Not really.” A pause, then, “I liked Thomas. It was very hard watching him leave this morning. I hope they make him well again.” “If anyone can, they can,” she said, matter of factly. “You wanted to talk to me, Aunt Helen.” I tried to change the subject, take my mind off him. She put her cup down slowly on the little table beside her chair. “Hmm... yes, I do.” She clasped her hands momentarily under her chin, deep in thought as if unsure how to begin. “I told you that, when I was ready, I would tell you about myself. Well, I think that you have proved to be a very mature and trustworthy young woman so I will tell you.” I didn't speak but listened intently, almost holding my breath. “This house belonged to my mother and father,” she began. “Before I was born, they had a son, my brother Henry but, sadly, I never knew him. He was an officer in the Light Cavalry. Sadly, he was killed at the battle of Balaclava in the Crimean war in October, 1854. My parents were devastated, he was only twenty years old and from that moment, kept trying for another child. They were unsuccessful until, in 1867, when I was born. By this time, though, my mother was fifty-three years old. The strain of the pregnancy and a difficult birth was too much for her and she passed away soon after I was born. My father became a bit of a recluse after that but he adored me.” Aunt Helen stopped and just sat, a faraway look in her eyes as the memories came flooding back. I didn't press her but waited patiently until she was ready to continue. After a moment or two, and after she retrieved her cup and saucer, she continued. “He was unable to look after me on his own so he hired a nanny to look after me. She was a single mother, Melissa was her daughter. That is how we became so close.” “Ah, I did wonder, if I am to be truthful,” I said. “Papa was not like most other Victorian gentlemen in his opinion of the classes,” she went on. “He was just happy that I had a friend. Melissa's mother was almost like my own. After all, I never knew mine. As we grew up we became inseparable. My father passed away just after my twenty-first birthday and the house passed to me. Fortunately, he had been an astute business man and I was able to pay all the taxes and retain this beautiful house.” Another pause while we sipped sedately from our cups. "I was at an age where all that mattered was enjoying myself and I had become somewhat outrageous. I began to host parties which, very gradually, almost became orgies. Everyone would have such fun and drink too much and people would disappear into the bedrooms and not reappear until morning. Because we were discrete, it became a place where people felt safe to carry out their most outrageous fantasies. Men would go with other men. Women with each other and they would swap and change with whomever they pleased. I had only one rule, all parties must be willing. I would not tolerate anyone being forced into something they did not want to do, however small it may seem.” My face must have been glowing now. I knew nothing of this kind of life and yet, I was fascinated. I had discovered the pleasures of loving sex, it was true, but that was the extent of my knowledge. My face was on fire. “In the rooms I had portraits depicting various sex positions from the Kama Sutra. They are almost all gone but there are still one or two.” I thought of the ones in my room. “That is how I knew your parents, Victoria. They were a lovely couple, no children then and we hit it off instantly. We became very close friends, we four.” “Four?” I interrupted. “Yes, although Melissa was a maid, she was also my lover and dear friend.” “Ah, yes, I see...” I wasn't sure if I liked hearing about my parents fornication as they had led me to believe that sex outside of marriage was grievous sin but I said no more. I wanted to know all about them. “I hosted such parties for several years until the disaster happened.” “Disaster?” I queried. “Yes, One day, in 1896, I discovered I was pregnant. I had no husband. Can you imagine the shame? Even now, in 1915?” “Did you know who had done it? Should he not have married you?” I was astounded at this revelation. It must have been a terrible shock for her. “Oh yes, I knew who it was. Sadly, he was already married and, besides, I had no desire to be married. I had Melissa and didn't need, nor did I want anyone else.” “So what did you do?” I asked. “What else could I do, I remained at home, feigning an illness, for those who asked after me. There could be no more parties, ever.” “And the baby? What happened to him... oh, wait, Thomas!” “Thomas?!” Aunt Helen laughed. “It wasn't him!” I was taken aback a little and could only reply, “Oh, sorry, I..., sorry.” She smiled. “No, not Thomas. It was a girl, a beautiful little girl and I could not keep her.” I did not interrupt again but let her continue. “The thing is, Victoria, it was your father who made me pregnant and he and your mother took care of the child as if it was their own.” “But they never told me about this. You mean I have a sister or, at least, a half sister?” “Victoria, no! You don't have a sister, The child was you!” There was silence. My jaw opened and I was in shock. Lady Helen waited, not pressing me but allowing this revelation to sink in. Eventually, with the words struggling to find a way out, I said, quietly, haltingly, “You... you are... my mother?” She nodded slowly, seeming afraid, not knowing how I would react. “I don't understand,” I continued, “Why... how...?” “I never wanted to give you up, my darling, it broke my heart, but I had no choice. I always stayed close to your parents although my relationship with your mother became strained as it transpired that she could not have children of her own. We remained friends though. She never blamed anyone for what happened. She had, after all, been a part of the love that created you.” “Wait! Wait!” I interjected, “If you had been with so many men, how do you know it was my father?” “That is a fair question,” she replied. “But, you see, I didn't go with any other men. Melissa was my lover as well as my closest friend, as I told you. Although I hosted such parties, I had no desire to have relations with any of my guests generally but your parents both were dear to me and they were the only ones I ever made love with apart from Melissa.” I remained silent, struggling to come to terms with what she was telling me. She waited for a moment and, when I didn't speak, she went on, “When you were born, your mother and father took you immediately and brought you up. I would visit them, and you, regularly until you began to be old enough to ask questions. We all felt it better if you didn't know me at all. Your father wrote often and sent pictures of you growing up. I have them all along with his letters. It broke my heart to see you with them but I knew they would look after you and love you and they never once failed to tell of any news of you.” Still I remained silent. I didn't know what to think, how to react. This 'stranger', my pseudo aunt was now telling me she was my real mother but something in the back of my mind told me she was telling me the truth. “I do have this vague recollection,” I said slowly, “of a woman who used to visit with us quite regularly but I was very young and the memory is very vague. She used to stay sometimes. Was that you?” “It was,” she replied. “We agreed that it was better that I stopped seeing you in case you became confused as you grew older. I could not lie to you...” It made sense now, the fact that my mother always seemed so distant, the complete opposite to my father. It was as though she liked me but didn't really love me. She was never mean or hurtful towards me but she seemed to lack the natural warmth for me that my father always exuded. Suddenly, I realised that Lady Helen was still talking. “...and so we made an agreement that should anything ever happen to them, never for one minute imagining that something so terrible would befall them, I would become your legal guardian and we agreed that you would only be told if I believed you could take the shock.” She stopped then, waiting. The silence was so loud it was deafening. My ears were hissing and my head was beginning a dull ache. After several minutes Lady Helen stood, walked over to me and crouched in front of me. She placed her hands upon mine on my lap. “Victoria, I felt you should know. I could see that you are a very intelligent young lady and, sooner or later, the truth would out. I thought it better to tell you as soon as possible. I understand that this must be a terrible shock for you and I also understand if you want to be alone. Please don't hate me, I had no choice. After all you were also with your natural father.” “I don't hate you, Aunt...” The words trailed away as I realised that I could not call her that any more. She held my hands tighter. “I also understand if you cannot call me mother. Aunt is fine, my love.” I looked into her beautiful dark eyes and saw the fear deep within her, the fear of rejection and I knew then that she was my mother and that I would love her as such. I pushed away her hands and stood up. She looked even more frightened now but I took a moment to study her then put my arms around her waist and held her tight. I felt the gentle heaving of her chest as she began to cry into my shoulder. It would take time for me to adjust, for me to get used to her actually being my mother but I had known there was a bond between us from the moment we first met but I could never have imagined that this was why. We remained thus for a few minutes. The gentle ticking of the clock the only sound beyond Lady Helen's sobs. She took a deep breath and and stood upright once again, her hands still on my waist. Her eyes were red and wet and her sweet face stained with tears. “I was afraid you would hate me,” she said, wiping her eyes with her tiny lace handkerchief. I smiled. “No,” I said. “I couldn't hate you. I always knew there was something but never tried to guess what it could be. Now I know and everything is clear. No, I don't hate you... Mother.” Lady Helen choked back another tear at the word, 'Mother'. She smiled broadly and held me tightly again. Now, we were both in tears. Some minutes passed before we regained our senses and returned to our respective chairs. My Mother continued. “After you were born, I knew what a terrible situation I had created by allowing all our inhibitions and morals to be set aside under my roof and I held no more parties. Gradually, all my so-called friends deserted me, most of them in the nine months I carried you. I didn't miss them. I saw them as the people they really were, fair weather friends who disappeared when no more free drinks, food and sex were available.” “So you have been alone ever since?” I asked her. “Oh, no, not alone. I have Melissa. She stood by me throughout.” Lady Helen looked at me, a twinkle in her eye and a smile playing on her lips. “She delivered you,” she said. “So she knew all along? She let me treat her like a maid and punish her, even though she knew I was your daughter?” Lady Helen's smile grew even wider. “Yes,” she said. “A more trusted friend you will never meet.” She paused for a minute. “And it seems I have another trustworthy employee in Bethany,” she winked. “What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled. “Victoria, I know all about the two of you but she has not said a word to anyone. Her happiness shows... and you were a little noisy last night.” My face felt as though it had burst into flames. “Oh, I.. I...” “Don't worry, Dear, it will go no further. You are safe here.” It took a moment for my embarrassment to subside before I could speak again. “Maria,” I said, “Why did you blame yourself. It had nothing to do with you.” “I know,” she replied. “But although I didn't host any more parties I did allow the girls total freedom. I thought that, if they were allowed to do as they pleased they would be happy and, as long as they understood that they would be punished if they misbehaved then there would be no problems... How wrong could I have been.” “It wasn't your fault,” I exclaimed. “The maids are happy here. Sally told me she felt like family here. As though Melissa was her mother and Maggie and Bethany were her sisters. She said she had no other family and I am certain that Bethany feels exactly the same.” “Well, Sally is quite right. She was an orphan when she came here. I employed her when her mother passed way. Her father was a drunk and did not care about her.” “And Maria?” I said. “And Bethany?” “Similar circumstances,” she replied. “I do feel betrayed though that Maria felt it was all right to tell all and sundry about our private business.” “But it wasn't Maria,” I countered. “She only told her lover, Charlie Manston. Do not you tell Melissa things, trusting her to keep them to herself?” “Well, yes, I do,” she replied. “Well, there you are. Maria thought she could trust Charlie and now she has paid a high price for that broken trust. They both have.” My mother did not reply but sat quietly, deep in thought. “I hope you make some friends here, Victoria," she said eventually. “The difficulty is knowing who your real friends are.” “I have made some friends, I think.” I paused. “Philomena is nice. I think she likes me too, and Thomas.” “Ah, yes,” my mother interrupted. “Young Thomas Billington. I did think for a moment that he may have been becoming a little more than just a friend.” I had no reply to that. I thought about Bethany and about Thomas and suddenly I was not sure what my feelings were all about. Lady Helen mus have been able to see my confusion. “You know, Victoria,” she said, “It is not impossible to love more than one person. The trick is, knowing who you will be most happy with. I loved both your mother and your father. I would not have shared my bed with them had that not been so but it has always been Melissa who is the one I want to share my life with. Does that make sense?” Strangely, it did. “You are young and have your life ahead of you. I will make sure you do not repeat the mistakes I made.” “My mother...” I frowned at the thought, feeling rather strange now that I seemed to have two mothers, “and father taught me about all that,” I replied, “In time you will become accustomed to the situation,” my 'new' mother said with a smile, reading my thoughts through my expressions. “They thought that the best way to deal with what happened was to try to alter history, to try to teach you all the things that the church teaches bur, unfortunately, they went to far in that you then learned nothing and had nothing to compare with what they taught you. They meant well, of course and they believed in what they taught but, well, as you now know, we all need choices, we need to appreciate both sides of the coin to make our decisions in life.” There was a short silence whilst she allowed me to absorb what she was saying. “Of course,” she continued, “Your parents did do a wonderful job of looking after you. I think you were happy, were you not?” “Oh yes,” I told her enthusiastically, “I wanted for nothing and they never did anything to upset me. Except...” “Except?” she queried. “Well, as soon as I was old enough they sent me off to Scotland, to boarding school. I did not see a great deal of them really.” “Ah yes,” Lady Helen responded. “I do know about that. It was because of your father's work.” “I see.” I pondered this for a moment. “Do you know what he did? They never told me.” “You father worked for the Ministry of Defence,” she said. “He was a very important officer.” “You mean the Army?” I had never seen him in uniform. “Good heavens no!” she laughed. “He was a civilian but he answered only to the Prime Minister. The reason your parents were on the Lusitania was because he had been over to Washington to oversee the purchase of munitions. They were on their way home when the ship was torpedoed off the Irish coast.” “What about Thomas' parents?” I asked, “Mr. and Mrs. Billington. How did you know them?” “They are the sweetest couple you could ever wish to meet, Victoria. They came to many of my parties but I never saw them with anyone but each other. They used to dance the long nights away but only together and they never left the ballroom. Well, except when nature required it, of course.” “And Thomas is their only child?” I asked. Suddenly, I wanted to know all about him. “Oh no,” she said. “They have five children. Thomas is the youngest. He has a brother and two sisters.” “Really? He never mentioned them. I just assumed he was an only child, like me.” “They used to bring them to the parties,” she continued. “Melissa's mother would look after them here, in the East Wing.” “You know, Victoria,” she said, after a moments reflection, “They were the only friends who stood by me. They didn't know about you or why I stopped giving the parties but they still visited me when they could. They did not just come here to visit their son when you met them, they came to see me also.” “Mr. Billington mentioned some business with my father that he could not attend to. Was that about me?” I asked her. “Yes, it was indeed. George could not take on the work because he did not have enough knowledge in the field that your father needed” “What was it about me?” I asked. “Hmm, well,” she replied. “That is something else I need to talk to you about.” To be continued...